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What to Expect from Pre-teens and Teens

Moving tends to be toughest for pre-teens and teens. Keep in mind, though, that your teenager is not trying to make your life miserable. There are real developmental issues at work. At this age, your child is learning how to form more long-term relationships, including (particularly for teens) romantic ones. The decision to move is "undoing" the hard work your child has put in (unconscious as it may be). And at a stage when your child is inching outside the bounds of family and trying to form a personal identity, the move is a powerful reminder that your pre-teen or teen is not yet the master of his or her own fate. The older the child, the more these feelings and frustrations are at play. Throughout the move, give your older kids space and time. Be patient and try not to lecture or be defensive.

• Excitements : Give them responsible moving tasks and show your appreciation for their enthusiastic support.
• Curiosity : Tap them as family "Information Officer". Their hours on the internet can answer everyone's questions about the community - and decrease anxiety about moving.
• Anxiety : Finding out about community - will help, as will ideas to address worries like staying in touch with friends.
• Sadness : Be understanding and patient. They are grieving at having to leave good friends.
• Anger : Give them space and time, acknowledging their feelings and working to keep a communication lines open.

Before the Move

• Your older children can be a tremendous help to you with move planning, gathering information and helping younger siblings by easing their anxieties. Give them responsible tasks and show your appreciation as they pitch in. You'll encourage them to do more!
• You may have a child who will try to talk you out of the move or want to stay behind to live with a relative or friend. Experts recommend that if your child is a senior in high school and especially if you are moving mid-year, you may want to seriously investigate these alternatives. Otherwise, you'll need to state and restate that the family moves together.
• The unknown increases anxiety. Together, find out as much as you can about the new school, new community, job possibilities if your child has one now, social activities or groups your child might join.
• Worries about losing good friends can be stressful. Depending on how far away you are moving, talk about how your older kids can stay in touch with best buds, such as weekends together or summer visits.
• Kids this age need to know they are heard and understood. If you and your child have trouble communicating, your child may need a chance to open up with a trusted adult, such as a relative, coach or neighbor. Help make this happen because you can learn and benefit from it too.

• Saying good-bye to friends will be very important when it's time to make the move. Your child might want to host a party for friends or plan a series of overnights with special pals. Yes, there is plenty to be done that you need your pre-teen's or teen's help with, but be understanding of these needs too.

After the Move

• Fitting in will be a concern for your child, particularly if your move involves some cultural changes too. You can help with one area—dress—by letting your child buy clothes like schoolmates are wearing. For others, if your child starts adopting new slang or sporting a new hairstyle, unless it's out and out offensive, see it as part of the process of adjusting.
• It may take longer for an older child to settle in than for other family members. Give your child space and time. Do pay attention to any prolonged troubling behaviors that may signal your child is having beyond-the-typical adjustment issues. But more than likely, your highly social teen will soon have a new group of "best friends for life!"

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